The Strength of a Woven Strand: Some Thoughts and Advice on Friendship

What is it that makes your friends, well, friends? How does a person go from being an acquaintance to being called a friend? When does a person stop being a co-worker and start to be called a friend? And even more mysteriously, what is that strange creature, the “best friend”? What is it about friendship that makes it so beneficial to our existence?

There are three things that make friends different from the people we come into contact with every day. Some of them we may very well be civil, jovial, or even- yes- friendly with. But these three characteristics of friendship make it a significantly different beast. For the sake of being memorable, let’s use the letter C for each of them. They are Commonality, Confession, and Corrosion.

The simplest aspect of the friend relationship is Commonality of experiences. We’ve simply been through many events with these people and these shared memories help us to understand each other. The weight of the amount of shared memories sometimes can constitute a relationship. People you went to elementary school and are still in contact with are often friends like these. You may not be the closest of friends, but those shared experiences make strong glue that makes people hard to separate. You might have sudden moments with new friends that can draw you into deep friendship quickly. Some could simply be deep understanding, while others might be traumatic events. But nothing can replace time.

This is true of long running relationships like childhood friends, of course. But it also helps us to understand friendship of all kinds. That’s why it’s so hard to maintain friendships when friends move far away. With work, it is indeed possible to remain close friends, but that effort is precisely the effort involved in continuing to establish commonality through letters, pictures, or what have you.

The second aspect of friendship seems in some ways less pleasant, but in truth it is what glues friendships together. The difference between the friendships of time that don’t run very deep and true, loving, and powerful friendship is the aspect of Confession. That may sound religious, and that is exactly what we would expect from any true religion, isn’t it? Friendship? Read the rest of this entry »

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Friends Cry to Friends

It’s a simple message sometimes tragically forgotten.

The last time a friend came to cry on my shoulder, I felt honored and realized it was a blessing to be able to provide comfort. When I went to my cousin with my own worries and tears, she told me that it made her feel like I “trusted her, valued her advice, and felt close to her.” It is a testament of friendship when a friend comes to you with their problems. Some forget that it is also a testament of friendship when we go to a friend with our problems.

I don’t want to be a complainer and dump my problems on my friends, though. Why not?

Because I don’t want to assume that they have time to listen to me moan and groan. This is your friend you’re talking about, right? When was the last time a friend called you crying and you were thinking “Jeez would this person shut up so I can get back to my movie?” If you wouldn’t do that to a friend in need, what makes you think that when you’re in need a friend would do that to you?

I don’t want to be a “Debbie downer” and just be miserable all the time, though. Remember that to hide the sad moments and only show the good moments isn’t too far from being pretentious: trying to keep friends by misrepresenting the real you. People respect people who stay true to themselves. And why apologize for being your self? If you feel the need to do that, there might be a bigger issue.

If you’re still reluctant to share your miseries with a friend, just keep the following in mind and you can’t go wrong:

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Relationship Advice – 7 Practical Ways to Treat Your Friends and Family Like Treasures, NOT Trash!

Recently, I had an awkward experience at a birthday party I was invited to. In fact, I was completely ignored by members of the household and overheard some unwholesome remarks about the guest of honor.

Was this casual behavior or downright rude?

Now, having a foreign exchange student, Jana, living with us this year has opened my eyes to a lot of American culture, some good and some not so good.

The way we treat friends and family, for instance. What I witnessed at that party was uncomfortable, to say the least!

I would never want to do that to a guest in my own home. Nor let my son ignore people who come through our doors.

But the incident got me to thinking: is this standard American behavior? Are we just being casual or are we being incredibly impolite, taking people for granted?

Perhaps my family is extraordinary. It’s hard to know. I just know that in my big extended family, visitors are treated hospitably. In fact, we have adopted many “strangers” into our fold over the years!

Before Jana came to stay with us, she was told that Americans are cold in nature. We all want our own space and do not develop relationships easily.

Now my family is nothing like this. Jana laughed with appreciation when I told her the story about all the kids sprawled out in every corner of my parents’ house for their 50th Anniversary party. Nobody even THOUGHT of staying at a hotel, and we had 30 plus kids and adults in the house!

In contrast, my husband’s family always stays at a hotel when they come to visit because they want their own space.

Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but I am just wondering about how we as Americans treat our friends and family. Do we ignore them in the name of “casual living”? Read the rest of this entry »

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